the love i dont have anymore
Here I am again, like a little bird trying to fly somewhere, eyes raised to the sky, tears glowering done, glowing drops of wine dripping from them. Oh yes I can be this beautiful figure, this almost mythical figure, starving herself, keeping herself protected, careful to ensure that someone remains there outside her, waiting to catch her.
Oh you don’t want me, don’T want me. I will make you unhappy, make no mistake. And if you do want me, well I just feel sorry for you. I am sorry Alex, sorry Hiroki, sorry that you wanted me and that I … I just dont even care. Your love it is in vain. I was fooling us both, but you, well I really convinced you both. i knew though. I knew I wanted greg, knew I wanted gwen. Not you, I wanted them. And them? They don’t want me. I can’t blame them.
I dont know what to do when I dont have someone to like, haha also when I do. I act weird, I smile too much, I am not me. I dont like what i become, so desperate. But in some ways I am. I need to have hope, hope that I will meet someone I love. Cause ultimately that is what I want. A boyriend to love, to be with….god it is so important to me. But none of the men i like now will be that.
Not max, not work max anyway. he…oh i like him a lot. i really do, i want to kiss him, to touch him…want him so badly. but why would he want me? he would hook up with me, at least i am hot enough for most guys to want to do that, but more? no i am too crazy, too weird..too me. too proud, too ashamed, too embarrassed, too shameless…i need to work on myself more.
then i have paul, who keeps telling me he doesnt want anything serious, but he is more attached to me than he realizes. though he is 38, experienced enough to let me go quickly. greg broke me. i never hsould have let myself like him, start to love him…the haunting feeling of being in his bed with him, his beautiful eyes looking at me, such beautiful eyes. he was just curious, i was an experiment to him, while to me he was..my hope. my hope for a future. i let myself hope with him and it is the hope, the hope is what kills you. what is killing me.
I would have given so much to be in his arms again, I can’t believe I really thought that I would be one day. No, I never will be. Never will feel his touch, his arms around me, feel safe with him. Never again. Why did he choose her? What does she have that I don’? She is younger, purer, less complicated, more devoted..no not more devoted, but easier to be with, more comforable. Me`? What am I to him?At first I was a game, then I was a challenge, then I was…what was I to him? I dont understand him, but I still love him.
Max will never want me…like greg, he wants an easier girl, a proper lady, not me, who just hopes she doesnt fall to pieces like she is so so wont to do…
