the energy you have
What did I alwazs have to hold onto? I had my will, my drive, that seems insurmountable, almost inexhaustible. I held so tightly, told myself do this and now that. I never let go, I just held on, waitiing…waiting for when I could let go.
I moved to Berlin and I let go. Let myself rush into wine-filled nights in clubs, intoxicated to stumbling, excited by the aura, determined to love it. I threw away my earlier visions one by one for these nights, recovering from days, and expected myself to stay the same. But..I am not the same.
I lost something, some direction, some standards for myself. I, who spent weekends in the library, learned to spend the whole time drunk in clubs, kissing boys and running away then running back, unwilling to think about what it could do to me. What is has done to me.
I was a poet, a dreamer, a student. Now..I am still all of those things, but my energy, the best of my energy I spent dancing to electronic beats and expect it to somehow fullfil me. But it does not. I am not..has it begun? Have I begun to lose my drive?
Then again I only felt like my life began when I moved to Berlin, only ever felt alive here. Only ever felt happy here. Maybe there is no alternative and I am doing the best I can do.
In some ways I think I am doing my best, considering the anxiety and stress lying over me, my past trauma…but still, my desire to be accomplished has been…reduced. I tend to think this is worse rather than better. What am I without the will that drove me on and on to be the best? Exhausted? No, not at all. But…ahhh..misguided.
