stress and two rejections = notwinning
I guess I am feeling really lost, out of sorts. Nervous, but have been much worse in the past. The thing is, I feel so stagnant. Like I am not doing anything, just wasting away, wasting myself, and what do I have to show for anything I have done? I am not learning things, I am not improving myself..I have regressed into alcoholism, I dont even try to deny or fight it these days. Every day I drink wine for months now.
I feel dumb. I feel like I could never write a good enough thesis proposal. We all saw the failure that was my masters thesis. I am pretty sure they just gave me a passing grade to keep my from annoying them. How could I ever write a doctoral proposal good enough? I am too disorganized, too scattered, too…ugh too me sometimes.
Oh god and dont even get me started on Prof. S’s rejection. It took him what, ten minutes to tell me coldly, flat out no, from me, you will get nothing. It was cold, it was cruel. He was drawing the boundary that I..once tried to tear down. But really now, he hurt me so much. So much. It is like being stabbed, strangled. I thought he at least respected me as a student but no, not even that.
I meant so much nothing to him, while to me, he kept me alive. The man kept me alive, gave me hope, held me on nights when I was all alone and could not breathe. He was all I could hold onto. I almost died when I seperated from him and now…he dismisses me with a wave of the hand in annoyance, as though how dare you think I would write that for you now?
Then of course there is greg, not replying to me, rejecting me too. Basically, could it get any worse? Stress about moving, about my application, and TWO rejections in a week from men, one the man I was most in life with out of any man in my life, and the other the most recent man I loved.
The only bright spot right now is that I am very fit, thing enough where my chest bones are visible when I move my arms again..sadly that is all I have on which to cling.
Thank goodness I have time in the morning to work out as much as I want. Otherwise I might go off the edge. I am sitting at work now, but typing into a word doc so it looks like I am doing work. Why bother with that though when our company is going down? We all know it. They will just put me onto another project. But I dont want to stay here!
I want to study again, to study literature again, but I just feel like I am not capable of writing the thesis. I havent felt this stupid in…well in ages. It is like I dont know where to begin with what I am doing, dont know who to ask… I need help. I wish someone would help me with something.
