On Being Ashamed of Being Timid
Being timid can make you horribly ashamed. At least me, it makes me shame myself dreadfully. I hate that I am so weak, so visibly weak, there for all to see, to mock, to laugh at. The way Lex used to laugh at me, to tell me I was weak. It hurts me too much to have someone see me that way now, feels like a mockery, I think to myself yes they are mocking me.
I want to go to my boss and ask him again if he approves of me working less hours. I want it so badly but I hate the idea of disappointing him, of having him thought me more than he found me to be, and then having to face the reality of what I am. So I sit here and pretend to work while I type a blog. It means so much to me but I am so trivial to him. Here I am not doing what I love, what I want to do…I am just passing time.
It is so abashing that I cannot walk up to him and say what I want. Sometimes I will walk up to anyone and say anything, but sometimes, I just do not have the strength at all. I am so…so timid sometimes. Like don’t hurt me, see how sweet and gentle I am? But that gets you no where, others resent your timidness for they see it in themselves, and then they want to hurt you the way someone hurt them. Inside, most people will want to.
