I’ve become completely dependent on my boyfriend, to keep me from ‘falling off the edge’ and losing my sanity. He doesn’t know I am teetering, that when I am not with him I am haunted by shadows and ghosts…that I am struggling now more than I have in years.
I spent the past two days with him at his apartment, sleeping together, bathing together, eating together, meeting his family. I told him about my sad past and he wept for me, lying on top of me as I cried underneath him. I have never been together with someone like this before, I have never let a man know me as much as he does. But what he doesn’t know is that I still fear I will lose my mind, I fear that I will fall into chaos whenever he is not near enough to make me feel safe. Whenever I am not with him, I am so afraid. My past isn’t just a dark thing, it actively is haunting me.
But I can’t tell him how dependent I am on him. He values my strength, my independence. He is proud of me. He told his sister about how I study russian just as a hobby, and how lived in Italy before settling in Germany alone without knowing what I was doing, about how I am this and that with this tone in his voice… I never realized he was proud of until I heard him tell others about me. And I want him to be proud of me, I don’t want him to know how much i a struggling right now. How insecure I feel.
When I am alone, I write things in my journal while I cry to release my sadness, “The flowers are gray today, don’t buy them here. They are wilted they are torn go somewhere else. I put my head on a stick and raised it to the world. Break me open if you like, there is nothing left in me.” I don’t know why I am so sad- I think the stress of my life of the past week has taken its toll… but most importantly he doesn’t know.
He wouldn’t turn away from if he knew…he never would I know…but I don’t want him to know. I need his strength, so badly though… but I want him to love me as much as I love him, and am afraid I would lose him if I tried to lean on him too much…
