“what did my teacher just do to me?”

He shot me a look I never thought I’d see. I never imagined someone could look at me like that and make me feel that they had just looked into my innermost being. His face was so intense, that any exterior between me and all the horrible things I am underneath was extinguished, I felt I could hide nothing. My heart froze, and instead of looking into his eyes I could see only white. The sound disappeared, and it was him and me, in this gauzy white in my mind’s eye. Then I came back to reality and he was still talking, and we were still looking at one another in the eyes. I felt my heart racing, and then everything became fuzzy. I thought I was about to faint. My eyes saw only black for a moment and I dug my fingernails into my wrist, trying to hold on.

“What did my teacher just do to me?” I wrote on my paper again, again, and again. That was ALL I wrote the whole class, over and over.

I was sitting in class listening to the teacher to whom I was dangerously attracted discuss my favorite subject, when he reached inside of me with a look. After this there was an intense connection between us, I felt as if someone had tied a string there, as though I could feel what he felt. The cord felt like it ran between our sexual organs, someting I had never felt with anyone before. This tremendous force completely overwhelmed me. I did not know what to do. He did not lose his bearing though, as he paced the room and came to stand right next to me. He knew exactly what he did.

I began shaking, I could not hear anything but only feel this ridiculous attraction to him. Yet at the same time I was terrified, terrified, I could not look up from my desk and wanted to run from the room. But I was smiling at the same time, trying to conceal it! i could never look him in the eye after that! I began to fear he would call on me to speak, because I could not listen to what he was lecturing about and if called upon…but I felt sure he would not call on me now. And then he did!

It was not the most tenderly he ever said my name, but he said in a way that was poignant to me- I understood the feelings in it. I was flabbergasted still though by the fact that he was making me speak now, had I just imagined what happened? But then I looked at it differently. I know myself, if he knows me as well then he realizes that my instinct when so badly exposed, (I felt as though he had seen everything about me) to someone is to run away. But I could not run out of class. He had just opened up a connection between us, i already wanted to retreat but by doing this he made it impossible for me- thus he prevented me from hiding by confronting me right away. He is brilliant- if he had planned to look at me like that and he does nothing by mistake- then he knew already how to act afterwards.

When I tried to speak I automatically repeated the last words of his question, and he realized then that I had not been listening and so began to lecture for another minute to give me time to think. I was so in love with him when he did that, I have never in my life felt anything that strongly before. He is not handsome, he is not young, but something about him is so wonderful…!!

I do not recall if I was able to look at him when I spoke. I saw weird colors and heard myself speaking as from far away. I am sure that I did not say anything particularly brilliant seeing as how I was half-delirious. However he thanked me after I spoke, he never thanked anyone but me for speaking, and then went on with class. He had no problem recovering but I… it was after this that I could not look him in the eyes for three classes for fear I would faint in class. I am completely serious. I don’t know if it helped when he “drew me out” by calling on me, but the cord that he created between us.. I think I will feel that all my life.

He is married and he is completely moral and there never could be anything actual between us, but now that I no longer see him, I still feel occasionally when I think of him this strange sense- that he is thinking of me at that moment too. Veritably it breaks my heart!

Tags: attraction, intellectual sex, love