Telepathic, or rather psychic seduction

There was an recent but past lover I was  longing for a few months ago, and thinking about way too much for my own good. So I since I was thinking of him, I wanted to see if I could make him think of me. I did some research and came accross ‘psychic seduction’ which is similar to telepathy. I see the universe as energy layers, and so why couldn’t I somehow transport some part of myself of him in layers through another dimension which we don’t normally see? At the least it couldn’t hurt…right? Actually….

I imagined myself disappearing into a streak in the sky and floating accross the world to where he was.  I pictured him sitting in front of me. and took his hand. From there I spoke to him, I told him all the things lovers say to one another, and told him that this was all I could do…that now he had to come to me.

The next time I imagined him standing in front of me where I was, at first confused, until I explained that I had brought him because I wanted to see him. The articles I read all suggested making it seems as real as possible – ie the more you feel the situation as though it exists,  the more he will in turn, wherever he is. I imagined his smell, his touch, how warm his hand was etc. I have a very vivid imagination and I have meditated on and off, so I had a clear sensory experience.

I repeated both things multiple times- going to him and having him come to me in my mind, in all a total of six times. Then suddently we saw one another in person having mutual friends, when I hadn’t expected to see him.

I am really not sure whether it worked or not on him, since I was and still am dating someone else when I finally saw him again, but I will say that it DEFINETLY WORKED ON ME.  I was more attracted to him than I had ever been before, probably twice as attracted. It was startling for me. I stayed as far from him as possible, because I couldn’t trust myself to speak. He seemed almost as embarrassed as me, but I could have caused that through my embarrassment.

In conclusion: beware of trying to psychically seduce someone. I do think it made him more attracted to me based on how he has interacted me since then, but regardless of that, it made me unbearably attracted to him!

mystery illness

Whenever I am stressed I can’t breathe when I sleep therefore I can’t sleep tonight. I grew very sick earlier this year, and am sad to say I am still sick. Right now my eyes are heavy and dying to rest, but I can’t let them. For, whenever I start to drift off to sleep my  body jerks me awake because I am not breathing.

I went to various doctors and was tested for a variety of things. Finally one understood what happened to me. Stress produces acid, and in my case so much that it creeps into my lungs. Basically ‘acid reflux’ had in my case taken a weird turn. I thought I was better but I’m not.

I had to find an apartment and move within two days while I was working full-time, which shook up my sense of security and made me sick again. But I know it’s more than just anxiety- it’s also my own choices.

Last night I agreed to do a little coke in a club with friends. I did probably 1/5 of a line, like nothing, but felt pretty good. Last night I woke up not breathing. Now I can’t fall asleep or I will stop breathing again.

I would give anything to sleep now and anything to not be sick. But…I am.

Trying to not get pregnant

I’ve been investigating the best form of birth control, but I have not found anything particularly satisfactory. My boyfriend and I both agree that we do not want me pregnant, but I can’t find anything that I really trust or condone. The thing all of this lead me to realize is that my body is, at 22, designed to WANT to have babies. Mentally I know I don’t want them, but biologically my body thinks I do. It’s a conflict of interests.

The most obvious thing – the pill- turns me off because of the possible side effects of blood clots, depression, weight gain… putting synthetic hormones into your body is in no way shape or form healthy. One of my sisters actually got a blood clot from it – it’s a bad idea for me. Plus I’d freak if I gained weight.

Condoms are of course the natural choice, but after recently having one break – it makes me nervous. They are the easiest method and what we will stick with- but not ideal. For more than one reason.

I’ve been looking into cycle planning – checking to see when you are the most and least fertile based on your menstrual cycle. This is generally used for women trying to get pregnant though, and seems to require meticulous attention to body signs. Could be helpful but should not be used alone.

I’m not interested in any of the other methods I found. Douching with lemon water, while it may work, is not what I want to rely on. But when you are actively denying your body something it wants naturally to do – there is never an easy method. Nature somehow always wins.

I need him too badly

I’ve become completely dependent on my boyfriend, to keep me from ‘falling off the edge’ and losing my sanity. He doesn’t know I am teetering, that when I am not with him I am haunted by shadows and ghosts…that I am struggling now more than I have in years.

I spent the past two days with him at his apartment, sleeping together, bathing together, eating together, meeting his family. I told him about my sad past and he wept for me, lying on top of me as I cried underneath him. I have never been together with someone like this before, I have never let a man know me as much as he does. But what he doesn’t know is that I still fear I will lose my mind, I fear that I will fall into chaos whenever he is not near enough to make me feel safe. Whenever I am not with him, I am so afraid. My past isn’t just a dark thing, it actively is haunting me.

But I can’t tell him how dependent I am on  him. He values my strength, my independence. He is proud of me. He told his sister about how I study russian just as a hobby, and how lived in Italy before settling in Germany alone without knowing what I was doing, about how I am this and that with this tone in his voice… I never realized he was proud of until I heard him tell others about me. And I want him to be proud of me, I don’t want him to know how much i a struggling right now. How insecure I feel.

When I am alone, I write things in my journal while I cry to release my sadness, “The flowers are gray today, don’t buy them here. They are wilted they are torn go somewhere else. I put my head on a stick and raised it to the world. Break me open if you like, there is nothing left in me.” I don’t know why I am so sad- I think the stress of my life of the past week has taken its toll… but most importantly he doesn’t know.

He wouldn’t turn away from if he knew…he never would I know…but I don’t want him to know. I need his strength, so badly though… but I want him to love me as much as I love him, and am afraid I would lose him if I tried to lean on him too much…

the gray

The gray lights ran over me

While I was trying to sleep

The nighttime never left,

although I never slept

I felt them all watching me

Piercing through the gloom

Daylight broke in, but I was still locked

I twisted my mouth as if to scream

But my breathe was gone, lost to the gray

I was lost in the gray while it ate me alive

Withlights scanning over me, and faces burning down

I was lost to them all,

Weeping helplessly to my dreams.

Ten of my favorite not well known techno / house songs

I ALWAYS need more good house, so maybe someone else does.

1. Kid Q – This Feeling

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gwxvjezSfAk

2.Chris Decay – Shining

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=64ifepTK3qc

3. Lutzenkirchen – Drei Tage Wach

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jNNBXd0CPdk

4. Danijay – I Fiori di Lilla

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pDi47iU8Rco

5. East Clubbers- Beat is Coming

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j3PFh3oD6mU

6. Klaas – Young and Beautiful

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nIKp_5zaC-s

7. DJ Tomcraft – Overdose

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ge5RNoC9cIg

8. September – Satellites

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kPdtEinUalA&feature=related

9. David Guetta – Time

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qiXZ6eAhm5M

10. C-Bool – House Babe

Can’t we just be in a three person relationship?

“Don’t worry about Henri,” said Paul as he kissed me by the bar in the club. Part of me thought, “huh? wait? isn’t he your best friend though?” Although I said nothing. I wondered, Do Paul and Henri just not talk about their love lives together? Because I doubted Paul would say that to me if he knew Henri was my boyfriend, and Henri would not have been so eager to go out with me and Paul together if he knew that Paul and I still liked one another. But apparently…Henri and Paul are best friends…and NEVER TALK ABOUT THEIR LOVE LIVES TOGETHER. German men!

I was entirely confused when Henri told me this. Did Paul think he was coming to the club with his best friend, Henri, and his lover, me, and did Henri at the same time think that he was also coming to the club with his best friend, Paul and his lover, me? I had been speaking to them both through SMS and I assumed that Henri had told Paul I was his so this was okay…but it seems that they both went believing I was with them individually.

Originally, I met Paul and kissed him, and met him again and then met Henri though him the night he fought with his ex-girlfriend and left the club in anger. Henri made a move on me, and I assumed Paul had told him it was fine, that he was no longer interested in me. I also assumed Henri had seen me kiss Paul because he had (but he did not remember this until I pointed it out to him later.) So I assumed they both knew about one another when in reality neither had any clue.

I started dating Henri when Paul left the country for 2 weeks, only to have Paul come back and want to see me again. My feelings for Paul were and are stronger, although Henri and I have grown very close.

Paul is horribly attractive to me- his stoicism, his perfect face, his funny dancing, his body, his voice…and I was such a drunken mess that when he took my hand…again like last time in the same club…I was enthralled. I do not have the ability to resist him, no matter how much I care about Henri.

I began to panick at one point when I realized that each one thought I belonged to him- what if there was a confrontation? Neither likes to kiss in front of his friend, fortunately for me, but I began to fear that Henri would assume I was going home with him at the end of the night and then Paul would see..indeed…how is it possible it has gone on like this?

So around 3a.m. I fled, leaving both of them in the club I had convinced them to go to. I did not know what else to do, it was simply luck that kept one away while I kissed the other during the night. How long could my luck last?

Henri is falling in love with me and wants to date me (is/was my boyfriend) and Paul…well he likes kissing me but he is stoic, and “can’t talk about his feelings” so I do not know what he wants. I do not know what to do. I would like to have them both, but I can’t.

I AM a girl, but what if I am NOT built for monogamy?

I thought I had the perfect boyfriend two months ago, but I broke up with him. Not to mention cheated on him with the best friend of my current boyfriend, which is how I met my current boyfriend. My current boyfriend is even more perfect than the last was, yet I find myself unable to stop flirting, which is okay, but I cannot stop from seriously considering some other prospects.

I have almost everything I could ask for in Henry.  We share the same sense of humour, and when I am with him we laugh at everything about one another. He makes me feel comfortable with my body, and makes me feel beautiful and cared for. He would cheat his way through a test in school in a heartbeat, but he would never betray a friend or me. I have never in my life met a guy I was more compatible with. And yet….

My eyes still keep wandering! It is not just that I am attracted to other guys, but that they are attracted to me as well. I cannot stop from wanting to kiss some of them, and it is a challenge because I know that I could.

I am falling in love with Henry, but the problem is I am already in love with someone else- mankind. And no matter how much I love him, I love men in general.

Would it really betray Henry if I were to make out with Alex one night, if it meant nothing more than I wanted to kiss him? From his perspective it would. Henry’s last relationship lasted four years and he did not cheat once. I can barely go a month without wanting to. His character is better than mine I think.

I am going to try and be faithful, because he does deserve that. But…it’s hard, and perhaps, not even biologically natural for me. Just because I am a girl, does it mean I am supposed to want to be with one person my whole life?

my fountain

The water swirled beside me, under my legs

It crashed, it rose, it crashed, it rose, while I

Sat the same.

The water cried I swore, it cried out to me

And while it wept I dashed my nails in

Under dying blue water.

I watched the water swirl, alone and alone,

While I gave it all my own, I gave

From Streams down my cheeks.

I only wished it could hear me weep,

The way I felt its lonliness,

And gave it mine.

No Words

There was nothing to be said between us,

However, I longed terribly so to speak.

Even in the dark, I yearned to speak.

Instead I lay quiet under the sensation.

Sensation, a word lording over me.

I longed terribly to stretch out my fingers,

To press inside his eyes.

He blinked and shifted them down to me,

They told me the tale I knew by heart.

I want to touch you, not hear you.